Posted in Domestic Cricket
When was the last time you wished you kept silent? For me it was two weeks ago and my penalty for opening my mouth is to run in the Mascot Race at Friends Provident t20 finals day.
After Yorkshire failed to persuade anyone to be 'Max Mynah', I boldly thrust my hand skyward in the ECB office and told a colleague I would happily be considered.
Big mistake. At 2.35pm on Saturday I will be charging around, well, limping across the Rose Bowl outfield in front of 23,000 chortling spectators trying to secure a piece of silverware for the White Rose county.
According to the Honolulu Zoo website, Mynah Birds are 'jaunty, active birds with straight or slightly down-curved bills. They have strong, stout legs and feet, and they walk cockily with a waddling gait'.
Waddling I can do and appropriately Max's costume, like me, is not built for speed.
The head, complete with a beak Gerard Depardieu would be proud of, is vast. Having tried it on this afternoon it felt like a cruiseliner from Southampton Docks had been dumped on top of my shoulders. Man overboard!
Peering through the gauze covered eye holes is the closest I will have to tunnel vision so locating the course's five obstacles and the finishing line, should I reach it, might be an issue.
The costume comes complete with a cricket bat heavier than the clump of wood Sachin Tendulkar waves around but even that goliath piece of willow looks like a toothpick in comparison to Max's wand.
And then there are the feet - two pantomime-style blocks of thick foam. More insane than Usain Bolt. My hopes of not coming last out of 18 mascots is looking slim. With the recent wet weather it might be a touch slippery too. Perfect.
Perhaps there is another way to fame and fortune? A guffawing friend, on hearing of my predicament, offered £1,000 if I take out David Lloyd who will be commentating pitchside. Seeing 'Bumble' through Max's abysmal eyes could be tough, but catching the sprightly 63-year-old will be impossible.